My Womanhood

I wish all my thoughts cud get converted to blogs and posts, all the conversation that goes inside my head, I just wish it get published anonymosly.....becoz i do not want anyone to discover whats going inside my complex brain.

I am difficult i know, I don't want things those I get easily....I want to struggle and fight for things I want truely.I love to be in pain.

I just want trust me completely with my judgement I feel if I can get proper freedom I can go past the moon and reach for the stars.I do..... I really reallly do.

But there are disadvantages of being a woman, and for the first time in my entire lifetime, I am feeling bad for being a woman.For being on a constant time constraint to get married....Find that perfect person....One which will bring envy to all my friends and relatives.....The man who can make me the dark horse that I am....

But everyones dream and sense of happiness are not same...I do not know what exactly do I want from my husband....what will I be wanting in 10 years down the line or perhaps 30 years down the line....Who will make me happy and how much material world makes me happy.I do not know for sure until I tread deep into those waters.Until I start liveing with a man.Until I feel deep love for him, until I make him happy and proud of me and until I give him children and make a complete family.

I want to get married yet I do not feel the yearning to get married.So, in order to gain some momentum to the process I have started doing some research in the web domain ....not to know how to find the perfect man or how to make that super scumptous meal...But how to make a perfect "Wedding website" ...from ewedding.com,weddingwindow.com, firstphera.com....it's irony that still now I do not know the grooms name...But still wedding bells are ringing afar...i have to be very calm and patient to listen to them......I need to start building my Hope Chest....start arranging for my love nest.......

A Love Letter ....to whoever it may concern......

Ha ha ha, I can write, I know I can, better than lot more people I know, No one can write mushy love letters better than me, I have written and used it to my own advantage.....

Men may have a little sentiment but then can be bend to a womens wish....provided the woman is intelligent enough (rolf rolf rolf).......more or less like me......Just wish I had the beauty to match my brain and talent....but then perhaps I would get noticed more and all my weirdness would be unnatural to a lot of people....

how many of you out there have ever written a genuine, quill-and-parchment, mailed-with-a-stamp and sealed-with-a-kiss love letter? That’s what I thought.How many has written without tender salutation or a valediction......it reaches out and still touch the core of the heart.....But for how long God only knows.........

Anyways, my mushy letter....here is goes.....

"I don't know how to start and how to proceed writing this letter…I have so many things to say but I am losing words.I even know before writing this letter what your answer will be.
But still I need your answer because I need this answer which will be my destiny and Gods way of guiding me.I have to accept it and I need to be absolutely sure that I couldn't do anything more before I proceed.
I don't think I can forget you, everytime a new prospect comes up I start compereing him with you, and know what everytime I feel I don't need anything in life but to be with you.Yes, Subhadeep, I want to witness your life, I want to see you grow old,I want u to be there when ur son is born, I want u to design our bunglow and I want be there with u till I die.I don't want anything so badly in my life.I remember you had told me that once if it is a no it always will be a no and if it's a yes it can't re reverted back also.Still I said no, because deep inside I had this feeling that if we are ment to be together nothing can stop that.If you are my soulmate, and I am yours .No dieaster can do us apart.Guess I was half right, u reallly were my soulmate. When we first chatted for hours I didn't realize it, when we met in Delhi I didn't realize it,when we talked for hours I didn't realize it……it's now when I have not heard your voice for months, when I have no way of knowing whats going on in your life…it's now I feel that my destiny is giving me signs that we were ought to be together..
Yes, our ways of looking at things may be totally different, our thought processes, our maturity level are on totally different pages but I found that interesting enough to gain others perspective which is completely different from mine, and this process of knowing could never cease to be appease for the next 30 years, it'd be a source of conversation for the rest of the life, but I know our thoughts are different on this too.For me it's not of any use to live with a person who thinks just same,talks same and doesn't say a sentence but 'exactly' to my each and every word.I would perhaps die of boredom living with such a person.
I thought about it, tried to analyze it, why was I feeling like that for you, there are so many men out there whom I can get married to, why you? why u particularly?…is it just an infatuation, is it an obsession or is it only my possesive nature?Why cannot I let you go and have a happy future with whomever u might choose……then suddenly it struck me that I think about you all day, I find similarity in people in everyday life, I suddenly realised that I value u so much.and then it's a concoction of all those feelings.And this is a bond which both sides should have to make a relationship work through rough times.But like everything onesided things wouldn't workout with just one persons involvement.And things would eventually die out.I know you have absolutely no feelings for me, perhaps you hate me the most now.
You had asked me to call kakima, when I called her she overflowed me with the same fondness again, which made me so greedy, I just got scared I started to dream again which is not possible anymore.
I know like u said, life doesn't stop for anyone, if not your life I will witness someone elses, if not a son I'll be there to withness someone when his daughter is born, if not a bunglow I will still be happy in a small shelter,if not delhi I'll die in some halfknown town....but the saddest part for me will be if not you it'll be someone else.
I know you inside out, I know there's special someone in your life, I know what your answer will be, just mete it out so harsly and badly I can put u on my ignore list.So that I can hate you for the rest of my life but it'll only be a part of my self defence mechanism.Nothing to do with you personally.But I really really need to hate you to go forward in my rest of life and make a decent future out of it.And I need your help on that as it seems its very difficult for me to hate you."

3rd November....begining of the Ordeal

This is how ordeal begins, our little deary pet (female Pom), she's waiting for her master(my father) to rise.

And gives the pleasure of her shrilling cries and loudest barks.Hah, I am already imsomniac.....how much more can she irritate me.God!!!!Sometimes i hate herrrr.....

Ohhhhh....noo....she's got helpers to irritate me......and in flocks....Yes, we have a market below ourr apartment...And it's wholesale market of perishable items.Oh...God help them sell everything...and soon.....My head is going to bust.......I am without sleep for almost 72 hours now....

Yes, i almost forgot.....today is monday....my most favourite day becoz........it's time for office now.......what shalll i wear???Yesss.....something flashy.....i am going to office for the first time after diwali!!!!!How can i be dull and unimpressive......this is my own notorious ateptm at mix'n match.....Flurocesent Green and copper sulphate blue....with sequiens.......I hope gucci doesn't steal the design and the combo......

Yesssss...this is the killler combo......

I had great plan and to do list for office, as i was joining office after alomst a week as there were 2 days holiday for Diwali and took another 3 days to makes a whole week....I had plans to get allocated into some software projects which has a hectic schedule...."I can wrk for 18 hrs " ....i told the lady....she matter of fact did not seem very excited wit that.....she instead said "If u wrk for those 8 hrs properly...it ''ll be enough to finish everything"....that was dis hartening....as i wanted a more warm welcome and better first impression....my peoples skills are not as sharp as it used to be..............naaah....it's the sleep deprevation thing.....i can still attract ppl..and make a grtt first impression.......

Hahahahah......no i still have that in me....our inhouse psychiatrist is calling me, mailing me, scrapping me to go to her.......i went finallly...coz there was not much work to do.....was getting bored anyways......hahahahah...what a conversations we had.....for 1:30 hrs.....we only spoke gibberish.I told her how "I feel happy being sad"..how the borders of sadness and estasy have interpolated withing themselves.......i don't know if i more sad being happpy or happy being sad....

She thinks neuro chemicals are playing games with me..... i have bipolar dieasorder.

Why is it that I can't have the things which are sooooo precious to me.....which makes my heart bleeed.Godddd....i won't ask for anythingggg everrrrrr..........i promiseee i promise.......

Why is it that i like those ppl who do not love me......they reassure and recorfirm my faith that i am good for nothing...and not likeable at alll.......and trying to make them love me gives me an opptunity to like myself litttle bit......because i can identify more wit them....